Sometimes trusting is a conscious decision, sometimes it’s not.
Other times it’s just hard. Really hard. You are putting so much of yourself out there...you could get hurt. It's risky. Self-discloser is only done when there is an atmosphere of goodwill and trust present.
But how beautifully fragile is the bond that forms? I never realized how fragile it was. Even if it grows stronger through time, whether big events, good or bad, are happening or not. It just grows.
Trusting is something you do when you're ready. But when you are, you can just relax and let go, like leaning into an embrace. A comfort that covers you and lets you know that you are safe, taken care of. You can just shut your eyes and take a breath. I feel like I'm getting closer to this point, but it's just a slow process because of what I've had to deal with recently and the quality of things that are taking shape (I hope that's why anyway *shrug*).
You can see in your life the strength of the bonds of trust that you do have with people, and I guess I never realized how strong they were until it's harder to forge something like that again.
I said earlier that trusting happens when you are ready (that sentence just wrote it's self to be honest, it wasn't really me...like this whole entire blog...), and I just get so frustrated about how long it takes to be able to do that. It's not like I've forgotten what it feels like to be safe, you know? Maybe that makes sense?
It doesn't help that what holds me back I can't always easily identify (isn't that our story?). It just makes me sigh with frustration. Am I expecting too much of me out of my situation or is the
push a second catalyst for change? It's like I'm in the in-between stage of there and almost there. I don't even know where that is. Still so fragile, but making progress. I am still looking forward to the future (knowing and seeing what He's already done in three months) with hope and excitement, but right now I am also just so tired of being confused.
"For I am ready to fall, and my pain is ever with me. I confess my iniquity; I am sorry for my sin."
Why am I ready to fall again? Because I know grace will catch me.
"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act."
I see it with my own eyes everyday.
"Blessed be the Lord who daily bears us up; God is our salvation."
Oh, don't we need it daily.