It hurts. But its coming. My friend and I had a conversation about this before she left. We knew that something big was coming in these next few months, and when the next time we saw each other, everything, inculding us, would be totally different.

And sometimes you don't even know what to say. You have to look to God to discern what in the world you are supposed to be learning and taking to heart, because in this day and age its too easy for voices to fade in with all of the rest.

Don't let the world pass you by or mix you up or confuse you. Just stop and listen. Don't you see? God wants ALL of you. Not just five minutes of sitting there trying to focus on praying an empty, unheartfelt prayer. He won't relent until He has all of you (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vthhuSxetac. ) and if He has to break you until He gets the real you, He will, all because He loves you (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWL-Fa8Q-oU).

Just don't hide. Trust. Believe in your best friend--Him. Because we all know what happens when you don't follow where He wants you to go. It doesn't work.                                     

                                                                                                Surprise, surprise. 


My Friend Kendra

Wow, there's a lot I could talk about in this post....but I'll start off with the fact that my friend Kendra is one of the few people in my life that I have met that is a kindred spirit. She's actually the reason I started this blog. All I really wanted to do was be able to comment on her blog, and the only way I found out how to do that is by making a blog. So here I am, typing away. Not only do I want everyone to know that Kendra is an awesome friend, I'm so thankful for her and I miss her SO much, I just wanted to connect everyone to her blog so you can hear about her exciting journey. God really has been apart of...well, us being apart. I miss her, but knowing that she's where she's supposed to be eases the feeling of distance. I'm just SO proud that she's going wherever God tells her to go! This love she has for Him is the most beautiful part of her.

Check out her journey in Abeche, Chad in Africa:


(*Rumor has it she's coming back in December....;)* )

The reason there are no pictures of me and Kendra together on here is because not only are there not a lot in existence for some reason (why? I dunno.) but because we are usually doing something stupid and the pictures aren't that flattering. In fact, they're slightly scary....she'll tell you that that's the truth.... :)



I see it, I feel it and I swear it gets bigger everyday. No joke. Maybe it was always there, and I just am just now seeing how big it is. I know I feel it. It's that feeling that you feel when you know you fall so far short that some really small things look impossible. You wonder, "I've overcome this before, but why does it come back so big--just as strong as before? How come I can't even really explain what it is?"

What it comes down to is trust. The full-fledged, heart-longing, shaky scary, unbridled leap of faith kinda trust. That's what's missing. Sometimes I'm looking at a situation and really just have to directly ask myself: Do I trust God? Unfortunately a resounding "YES!" is not always my answer. Often though this question has given me the chance to say yes, to take a deep breath and just say, "Yes, okay I do. Catch me if I fall God. I know you're there." Hard thing to say sometimes. You have that fear (which by the way, comes in many shapes and sizes) in the back of your head. Instead of whispering it chants. And gets louder and louder until the Lord say "ENOUGH! Look at me and believe! I am right here child, why have you been looking elsewhere?" What a precious thing to have the Lord of All to say that to us. Then why do we doubt? We've seen the results of trusting and not trusting. Surely by now we see that perfect love banishes fear. It casts it out. Far, far away.

"Because your steadfast love is better than life my lips will praise you."
Psalm 63:3

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because he first loved us."
1 John 4:18-19

"Again Jesus spoke to them saying, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life."
John 8:12

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angles nor demons, neither the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is found in Jesus Christ our Lord."
Romans 8:38
I encourage you all to come face to face with your weakness, try to put words to your shortcomings and fears. Then combat them with this knowledge:

"...but he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness.' So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:8-10

And remember,

There is power in the name of Jesus
To break every chain, break every chain, break every chain

To break every chain, break every chain, break every chain


You Might Be a College Student If...

This is a list that has been a long time in the making, and has been tested and tried through experience (not all mine, some I've just been apart of). Hope you enjoy, and maybe a few of you can relate.

You might be a college student if....you narrowly miss being run over by a biker, skate boarder and car simultaneously.

You might be a college student if....instead of washing your dishes  you put them in the fridge. You'll get to them latter.

You might be a college student if....you use your microwave as your clock.

You might be a college student if....your version of looking nice is a t-shirt that's not wrinkly, and a clean pair of shorts.

You might be a college student if....you are doing your laundry and have to run up four flights of stairs because you forgot your dryer sheet. Or your detergent.

You might be a college student if....making pancakes fogs up the kitchen and hallway with smoke...

You might be a college student if....your homework for New Testament involved reading all of Matthew in two days.

You might be a college student if....your plant science teacher hands you some beans you don't recognize and says "Congratulations, you're a terrorist".

You might be a college student if....your smoke detector in your room goes off randomly.

You might be a college student if....you lock your keys in your room and have to wait for your roommate.

You might be a college student if....after awhile, four flights of stairs really aren't that bad....

You might be a college student if....your pillow case gets wet when it rains. I guess the windows leak.

You might be a college student if....you sit on your bed and talk about stalkers with other girls from your hall.

You might be a college student if....you reach over your bed for something and fall off because its SO freak'n tall.

You might be a college student if....you answer your phone while talking on Skype and talking to your friend while studying.

You might be a college student if....you Skype all the time.

You might be a college student if....you never know what's going on.

You might be a college student if....parking is an adventure.

You might be a college student if....spontaneity is your new lifestyle.

You might be a college student if....you have homework.

You might be a college student if....you have to haul your groceries up 4+ flights of stairs.

You might be a college student if....you have to provide your own breakfast on Sundays.

You might be a college student if....you forget a knife, so you just tear off a part of your bagel and that's how you spread whatever you put on it.

You might be a college student if....you put cheerios in your microwaveable soup because you don't have crackers.

You might be a college student if....you are learning how to carry your stack of dishes to the kitchen, wash them, dry them, then load them up and try to open the doors again.

You might be a college student if....you almost get run over by a golf cart thing that's being driven on the sidewalk.

You might be a college student if...you need an extension cord if you wanna do your homework in the hallway.

You might be a college student if...you eat subway in the hallway of your dorm with your friends.

You might be a college student if...you sit in the hallway on your laptop with your buddies and look on pinterest!!!!

You might be a college student if...you sleep a lot. And occasionally forget to shower. Sorry.



The Cost

The BCM recently hosted a speaker, Afsin Ziafat, who was to come and speak about his story of faith. (Here’s a link to his website, I encourage you to check it out: http://www.afshinziafat.com/ and move your mouse sideways when your on his site, its a pretty cool layout) As people in the BCM, this was our opportunity to reach out to the campus and have a bunch of people come.

So tonight at the Cost I was reminded of our FFG (freshman family groups) study on making disciples (aka Multiply, Francis Chan’s new book which is available in pdf form for free @ http://multiplymovement.com/ ). The chapter we are on this week was about the fact that making disciples cannot be truly done without love. Love is something I know, but I have recently looked at it in a different way. From standing back. Not putting in my full self, or at least my heart, into things. I feel cut off from feeling its full potential.  It's the feeling of a stopped-up drain. Not all the way clogged, but not working as well as it should (I don't feel unloved or don’t feel/see love from God, that's not it. I need to be able to receive it like I used to). It's easy to love those already close to you, but with some things I just feel myself hesitating, deciding if I should jump in or not.
Guys, I’m starting to see how the roommate stuff really affected me more than I thought. Not everything goes away just because you are out of a certain situation. I still feel a bit beaten and bruised, and it hurts still. I don’t know exactly how she got under my skin so much, but it hurts. I feel like my trust is damaged. I know it is, because even on top of my wariness about all these new experiences, something just keeps telling me to hang back. “Don’t jump in all the way, you might get hurt. Remember the last time?” This stops me from taking the leap of faith that before, I may have had the strength to take. It’s made me more confused about getting more involved and what I’m supposed to do with people.
 And it’s not just hurt in the lacking trust department, its inviting people to something that will help them grow/start their walk with God, and them not coming for whatever reason. My heart just hurts for them—I want them to know my Savior as intimately as I do. I want them to feel excited and have none of the complacency that is so dangerous to us. I want them to have God as their priority. Is that so wrong? I guess it can be if I go about it the wrong way.

Well, when you feel this disconnection with love, it’s a harder spot to be in. Especially when the voice inside your head tells you that if you do this, you might get hurt. Again, it's the feeling of a stopped-up drain. Not all the way clogged, but not working as well as it should. I’m tired of it. #abitfrustrated, right? Will I stop loving just because I don't feel like it? No. I’m called to love. Love God, love people and love community. But sometimes I just want to feel together or healed before I go on. This is the honest truth. I know many good and bright things full of life come out of the darkness. Trust me, I already have seen many such things, thank the Lord (then why do I still doubt?). I also am learning that to teach and disciple you don't have to be done with whatever you are going through. As much as you want to be, your almost teach better from that position.
However, as much as I planned to stop this post here, I realized that I needed to tie this post back in with its title. The Cost. The cost of following Christ. I know that sometimes there will be times when we are broken, sad and confused all at the same time, or even in the midst of a good part in our life. This is to be expected. He warned us.
Did we know what we were getting into at the time? Probably not. Did we ever (and will we ever) regret it? Heck no. I know that God is SO good, it's worth it. Anything is worth it. But now I'm starting to understand that the guarantee of feeling uncomfortable while serving Him means a lot more than just being in socially awkward situations. It's letting yourself be broken by God so He can use you, and mold you into who you are supposed to be. This is an incredibly uncomfortable process, but when He designs you, you are better equipped to serve in the life He wants you to lead.


The Next Step

The Next Step:
How He's Call Me To More

Sometimes there are moments in the day that just take my breath away
Something hits close to my heart and I suddenly can't breath

It's a song, a picture, a person
I have to stop and remind myself that I'm okay
The things I'm reminded of I miss
But I know the true things will never leave me
The reason it hurts my heart so
is because I'm very thankful

You see, lately God has been working in my life to grow me, which He has. However, He's not done. Its not enough that I pray more, or read the Bible more, or anything. He wants me to take the next step. Closer to Him.  He's bringing me back, pulling me forward. For example, I recently adopted the rule "No Bible, no breakfast". But that's not enough. He wants me to sit down, breath, and focus on Him. Every. Single. Morning.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that yes, it does include continuing to be honest with my readers, and posting stuff like this. A year ago, I would have never even dream about letting everyone read all this stuff. Now I realized though, that this blog is not about me, but it's a tool I use to glorify God. So that means watch out! Some pretty epic stuff comes into play when God's around. :)

Overall, He wants me to live a life that to others seems radical, when in truth it's only the beginning.


The Master Gardener

So the other I came outside to finally prune my Bonsai tree. Since Bonsai trees are for ornamental beauty, owners usually prune them then wrap them with wire to control the growth of the tree.

I was sitting there cutting some branches and leaves (petioles and petiolules if you want to get particular) and it was proving to be a bit more tedious than I thought. The leaves where wild and sharp, going everywhere. I was cutting the dead parts off, and trimming the parts that wouldn’t get as much sunlight. As I was pruning, I realized how intentional I was being. I was shaping it. I cut off the ugly parts, the dead parts, and the sections that just weren’t going to grow.

 I know we’ve heard this analogy before, but God as the master gardener is the one who prunes us. He cuts off what we don’t need, and allows the parts we do to get more sunlight. But the thing is, He’s so intentional about it all, because God's all about molding us into who He wants us to be. The strong and gentle hands He trims us with hold us so carefully, delicately. If dropped, we shatter. Aren’t we that fragile? Without our rock or our vine, who are we? Sure sometimes it hurts. It hurts a lot. We can’t even see the finished results until we step back and look at the bigger picture.
Here's a video that articulates what I'm trying to say in a very powerful way...be prepared to apply it to your own life. 
...I'm not sure I like the results, I might should have gone against the grain and left it alone. But no fear, it'll grow back.


Back to Camp

I had the opportunity to go to a two-day/one-night welcome back retreat with the BCM. So Carrie and I pack our bags and head off into an adventure. We never really know what exactly we are getting ourselves into these days. We've gotten used to not knowing exactly what's going to happen anymore. Good thing I love surprises.

Anyway, we go and play the normal camp games, sing songs, hang out, eat, eat some more, ect. But later that night we hike up this trail in the dark (I loved being back in the woods--I could hear all the wonderful night noises--not trains or garbage trucks!) and came to a cave formation. It was really BIG and really awesome. We all gathered around the fire (campfire!) and sat down back into the cave formation (above ground....kinda like a ledge with huge overhanging rocks). We had worship then, and let me tell you, it was so cool to hear Amazing Grace and Lead Me to the Cross resound off the tall weathered walls. In between songs, we would hear testimonies from our peers which were very moving. It's incredible what some people go through and how their stories turn out so beautiful. And the fact that most of them wouldn't change a thing about their past.

This trip really forced me to investigate some of my motivations and just the aspects of my life. I came to camp thinking I knew sort of what I was going to do in the smaller parts of my life, and assumed that God was in agreement with it because it was "good" and "good to get involved". But now I realize that His plan for me is SO unexpected. I am flabbergasted at how DIFFERENT His plan for me is than I originally thought. I don't know what He's doing with me anymore. Just that He's gonna do something. I also found this verse that applies:

"I consider that the sufferings of the present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is about to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the children of God."
Romans 8:18-19

I LOVE this verse because it reminds me that the sufferings and confusion that we go through are nothing compared to what's coming. And in that, we get to be blessed by God (before, during and after our sufferings) and get to grow closer to Him.

And the camp is called Camp Joy, a neat connection to a recent theme in my life. I'll post about that later.

I think this is my longest word-post yet! I love long posts. I also have my first test in plant science and another math one on the same day--think you could add it to your list of prayers?

**If you ever need me to pray for anything, txt, call, comment or Facebook me PLEASE!**


The Call of Fall

Today feels like fall.
I can't wait for fall.
I am totally convinced that I am made for fall.
The breeze, the fresh air and changing leaves.
Sweatshirts and apple cider--really, who could love another season more?
Plus walking up the hill in the heat is bad for your health.
I can't wait to do fun things for Halloween and go play in the leaves and be deliciously cold!

Bernheim in the Fall

Ready for fall? Check out these videos that will make you smile. :)



And this is just another cute video


P.S. BIG looonnnngggg post coming this week! ;) Watch for it!


Late to Class

Not even gonna say anything about this. Just don't do it. And don't keep your watter bottle on the outside of your backpack, because when you come in it will rub against the door and make a loud crinkly noise, effectively letting everyone know you are late.

If you want to help make one of my days, just pray for me. That definitely means the most. You can also send me a letter, text, facebook message or comment on this blog.


Persistence and Honesty

On this blog, I want to be able to be honest with you. I don't want to have to post another post after my last one about how "happy I am now" or "life is all unicorns and rainbows". The truth is sometimes life is hard. My life right now is hard, but not impossible.

The other day in Human Relations we did an activity where we got into groups and wrote some words on paper plates. The words where supposed to represent things we wanted to work on by this coming December. Words and sayings like "exercise more", "have more confidence", "complain less","be less hard on myself", "be more trusting" and "poise" and many others were all lined up in rows. Our teacher told us to go around and pick three plates that we wanted to commit to working on. I ended up picking persistence, honesty, and one of my own--be continuously joyful. Now the plates are taped above my bed so I can see them all the time. I picked them because I need to be able to be honest with my friends, persistence when I study and continuously joyful the way God intended.

"I have said these things so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete."
Mark 15:11


I Wanna Go Home

I wanna go home.

Today is one of those days when I just feel like giving up. I have theses things to do, but I don't want to do them. I don't really care. I just want to go home.

I was doing fine until last night, but after awhile you just miss the safety and familiarity of your home. You don't want to stay here, you want to go home.


Kendra got my PACKAGE!!!!!


Sometime during August my friend Lauren and I sent a package from Simpsonville Kentucky to Abeche Chad. Who would've thought that could happen? Someone asked me how it got to her and all I could say was :"God". Because it was a MIRACLE that it got right to her pretty fast!!! :D We included letters, pictures, shampoo, and some um that apparently melted. It's the thought that counts though, right? Go to the link at the top of this post to read her side of the story.



All of a sudden, I'm really busy. I mean, I knew it was going to happen, but still, it crept up on me.
I have the first hall council meeting tonight (a group of people in a hall who get together with the common goal of making Gilbert a fun and great place to live...I signed up for it spontaneously) and freshman family groups afterwards, where I am going to  also sign up for a Dgroup and probably the welcome retreat. Before all that though, I need to go to one more class, finish my math homework, run, shower, go to yoga, and not forget to eat. The thing is, I'm not even involved in many things yet. Oh well. We shall see how it goes.

OH! Wait! Good news--I got a 92 on my first math test! YES! Score! :)


Sounds of the Night

The train.

The garbage collectors.

The chirping in the trees.

The people.

The lawn mowing and weed eating.

The sirens.

The cricket in the wall.

The Sorority that practices chants in the parking garage.

The car alarms.

All at ridiculous hours of the night and morning....

I Can't Get Away, Can't Get Away

I can't get away, can't get away
Can't get away, can't get away
I can't get away, can't get away
I am a beggar, You are the table
I am so helpless, God, you are so able
And when I get turned around, You change my direction
You're so perfect, I'm so broken,
Here You come with arms wide open,
Chasing after me down every road,
You're always waiting there,
I can't get away, can't get away
Can't get away, can't get away
I can't get away, can't get away
  Even when I close my eyes, I can't help but see
There's no place that I can hide, You're such a part of me
I can't get away cause I keep running into You
I can't get away...
I can't get away, can't get away
Can't get away, can't get away
I can't get away, can't get away
No matter where I am, I can never, ever get away. God is a God that pursues us with His passionate love. I can't ever get away. And I couldn't be happier.


Centering Your Qi

Centering your Qi
(aka "Chi" pronounced Chee)
Today was the first Saturday I go to go to yoga with one of my friends. That hour of  focusing on breathing and doing moves was SO relaxing. A normally very tense person, I now feel loose and awake (the awake part might be because we went to Starbucks afterwards).
Your Qi is described as your body's natural energy or life force. Now whether or not you put stock into that theory, yoga can at least strengthen your muscles, help you balance and relax your mind and body.
I think this will become one of my new habits.
In the top right corner of my blog, you can subscribe to my blog by email. So basically instead of stalking my facebook for a link to my blog, you just get an email. However, you may get lots of emails. Just be prepared.
Also, in the posts "What I've Learned" and "This Week" I have updated my dorm address to my new one just in case you have the urge to send me letters ;)


Feild Trip!

            So my elaborate, indulgent plans of going to the library to get stuff done on Friday (along with sleeping in) kinda got pushed back...instead I ended up going on a field trip with my plant science class to the Botanical Garden in Owensboro. I got a meal and 10 bonus points :) I was exposed to many new plants, and a lot of sun. We were weeding half the time. Anyway, it was a good way to spend my Friday I guess,  I'm just deadbeat and  stiff after standing, kneeling and sitting in the car for two hours one way. 
 We did get to talk to an artist, though. He's the guy who made the spider in the picture.
Go to the artist's website and check out his work! He was really cool to talk to, and really likes what her does. His creations are art, and they look great in gardens!

  This plant above is made into porridge in Kenya............................This is eucalyptus, what Kolas eat.
                  Grape Fruit                                                                     Roses

My Life or His?

After going out with my freshman family group for ice cream, I was back in my dorm wondering. Our little family is quite strange, anyone can tell you that from the get go. As I was wondering if I made the right choice, I said to myself "God has something bigger in store." And it's true. I don't know what it is yet, but I feel as if His plan is a thousand times bigger than I can even dream.  The more I realize this, the more I can partly understand why I am where I am, and why I am in what situations I'm in.

Ultimately, I want the life He wants for me. It may take several conscious reminders throughout the day, but I no longer want control of my life. Not anymore. I've tried that. I've done that. It doesn't work.


Week at a Glance

9/3 Tuesday
Went to180 Worship w/ BCM

I am so thankful for the BCM and other organizations like it! Worshiping with other believers away from home is so awesome. Worshiping with teens is a lot different too-they are real, raw, passionate and uncensored. The worship and message we heard that night remind me that even when I go back to my dorm room, God doesn't leave.

9/4 Wednesday
You know whenever I'm feeling down, or sad or confused I realized That i feel that way because I'm focused on ME. And only me. How come we keep pushing the Creator away? I mean, what a beautiful day!

Also 9/4
Coming back from the assembly, I do my best to study for my math test, but then realize I'm done studying and go talk to some of the girls in the hall.

(This, I am afraid, will be my ultimate downfall and one of the greater temptations in my life. Not drinking, parting, or drugs, but putting your stuff to the side and going to talk some girl talk.)

So a few of us go and hang out in their room and just talk for an hour and a half. Being a girl, I like just sitting and talking. A LOT. We all do. For some reason (if you wanna get technical, it's proven chemically) bonds form when we talk. That's why that's all we do at sleepovers. But it was SO refreshing and satisfying just to do that, because you just need it sometimes, especially when you are having a bad day.

Dependence on my Best Friend looks like peace out of adversity, strength to go on even when you have no strength left...what does yours look like?

I can't wait for Friday! I don't have any classes then, and am planning to sleep in and go up to the library and just get stuff done!

The Irony

So last night we went to a freshman assembly (it was mandatory). There was a guest speaker giving a presentation on the importance of sleep. I could tell he was really good, but because of the sound and echo in the arena, I could hardly hear what he was saying. You'd think they'd realize that and do something to fix it, because it's the same deal every time we have an assembly. Later that night, we go back to the dorm and go to sleep. Around 5:45 I hear this sound in the hallway that was really obnoxious...I get up because I'm pretty sure I know what it is...and I was right. A fire drill. So I make sure my roommate was up, grab my keys and a blanket and join the other irritated girls in the hallway. Grumpily we walk outside with the other two dorms next to us and sit and wait. Fifteen minutes later we trekked back up to the fourth floor and try to go back to sleep (does that happen? No, not really).

They had just given us a presentation on the importance of sleep, then they make us get up in the early morning hours for a drill. I know its for our safety or whatever, but really, that night? I had a math test the next morning.

I'm sure in a few years this will be funny, but right now I am tired and had to make sure I  definitely downed some caffeine this morning. I can even tell how I'm writing this is different. No amusement.

My math test went okay though--it was allllll God. :)



Christ Community Chaos

I miss the lively chaos that is Christ Community.

Don't get me wrong though, the kind of chaos that CCC enfolds is the good kind. It's the way people are constantly moving around and always smiling. It's when you hear bits and pieces of conversations while walking down the hall and you almost feel as if you are apart of each one. It's when time seems to stop as you pause to talk to a person. Its when you hear kids running around, and they come up and give you hugs--which just melts my heart.

Dang, I miss it a lot.

Usually it doesn't take me long to write a post, and I just type it and save it. But on this one I really had to choose my words carefully.  I guess it's just hard to articulate how unique CCC is to me. I do want to say thank you to all those who have been reading my blog and those of you who told me so. It's very encouraging. :D

When I Came Home

August 27th (I think):

So what was different when I came home? A lot, actually:

~My room was clean (that's a first....plus I kind of left it in a mess...paint stuff was still out...)

~My fish tanks are very dirty, and contain several more baby fish and a sick fish (not in the same tank thank goodness)...they are also a lot bigger. And I figured out how dirty the tanks really were when I started to clean them...ick. And my plants aren't doing so well...

~Watching TV held a lot less entertainment for me...turns out you don't even need one!  :o

~My dog was SO excited to see me--I actually have never EVER seen him that excited in my whole LIFE.

It's strange...I smiled a goofy grin when I saw the exit sign for my town, and again when I saw (and stopped at) the stop sign in my neighborhood. But I also kinda want to go back. A first I was worried that I wouldn't want to go back, and coming home would be like waking up from a bad dream...but it's a strange mix of familiar and foreign, like it was in the summer (before I left) while everyone was still in school...I kinda want to go back. Not right now maybe, but even though its really hard, I kind of do...I don't know why.

It Almost Feels Normal

It almost feels like a normal day.

Dad's watching TV, Mom and Johnathan are in the kitchen cooking dinner, and I'm reading. Well, except for the fact that I'm typing. It's almost too easy to get back into that routine, the waking up and going to karate, coming back and finishing my list of things to do, closing the pool...you never realize how important to you  your patterns are until they are disrupted. They are just so easy to fall back into. You can't remember how you created the rhythm, just that its there. I can almost forget the stress and change and pain of last week as I sit here outside, at home, at peace--safe.

As much as I wish that could happen, there is still something missing. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but it is just a slight discontentment. I know that I am a different person than who I was, so my place here feels different. Part of me longs for things to go back to the way they were, but that can't happen, I can't let it. I'm not the same anymore, and haven't been for awhile. I've outgrown the place I was in, and have to keep moving forward.