Thinking of Honduras Post #1: How Can I Go?

I don’t feel special.

I don’t feel brave, just the opposite.

I don’t feel good enough. Or good at all.

I don’t feel rested enough.

I don’t feel clean, and I know I don't have a right and clean heart.

I don’t even feel prepared. Part of me doesn’t even want to go prepare, I just want to go.

Sometimes, I don’t even feel loved.

I still get jealous, say impossibly mean things, and groan about anything called work.

I still get easily frustrated and confused.

I am still broken.

I still get distracted by people.

I am not humble.

I still resist the very one who seeks to reach my heart with His love.

I am still just me.

 Notice how all the sentences start with the word “I”? You see my problem?

I must learn to trust the unseen and know that I am never alone, no matter what state of mind I am in. You see, God can still use me like this. As selfish and distraught as I am on a daily basis.

Yet how hard is it for me to type these words, knowing the state of my own heart? How can I go serve like this? How can I love? Why does He still want me to go? Surely God can do it better on His own, without me…

At the same time, He is my life, the very thread that keeps me from caving in on myself. How can I forsake my first love? You see, I can’t afford to, knowing me. There is no possible way I can go a day without Him.  

                                And so I won’t.


I will continue to run and step and stumble to Him even when it feels like I am waist deep in mud and still slipping backwards. His love, the one thing that simply drops me to my knees, is just as irresistible as it is hard to receive. I am SO not worth any of it, and we all know this. But this is why I go.