So tonight at the Cost I was reminded of our FFG (freshman family groups) study on making disciples (aka Multiply, Francis Chan’s new book which is available in pdf form for free @ http://multiplymovement.com/ ). The chapter we are on this week was about the fact that making disciples cannot be truly done without love. Love is something I know, but I have recently looked at it in a different way. From standing back. Not putting in my full self, or at least my heart, into things. I feel cut off from feeling its full potential. It's the feeling of a stopped-up drain. Not all the way clogged, but not working as well as it should (I don't feel unloved or don’t feel/see love from God, that's not it. I need to be able to receive it like I used to). It's easy to love those already close to you, but with some things I just feel myself hesitating, deciding if I should jump in or not.
Guys, I’m starting to see how the roommate stuff really affected me more than I thought. Not everything goes away just because you are out of a certain situation. I still feel a bit beaten and bruised, and it hurts still. I don’t know exactly how she got under my skin so much, but it hurts. I feel like my trust is damaged. I know it is, because even on top of my wariness about all these new experiences, something just keeps telling me to hang back. “Don’t jump in all the way, you might get hurt. Remember the last time?” This stops me from taking the leap of faith that before, I may have had the strength to take. It’s made me more confused about getting more involved and what I’m supposed to do with people.And it’s not just hurt in the lacking trust department, its inviting people to something that will help them grow/start their walk with God, and them not coming for whatever reason. My heart just hurts for them—I want them to know my Savior as intimately as I do. I want them to feel excited and have none of the complacency that is so dangerous to us. I want them to have God as their priority. Is that so wrong? I guess it can be if I go about it the wrong way.
Well, when you feel this disconnection with love, it’s a harder spot to be in. Especially when the voice inside your head tells you that if you do this, you might get hurt. Again, it's the feeling of a stopped-up drain. Not all the way clogged, but not working as well as it should. I’m tired of it. #abitfrustrated, right? Will I stop loving just because I don't feel like it? No. I’m called to love. Love God, love people and love community. But sometimes I just want to feel together or healed before I go on. This is the honest truth. I know many good and bright things full of life come out of the darkness. Trust me, I already have seen many such things, thank the Lord (then why do I still doubt?). I also am learning that to teach and disciple you don't have to be done with whatever you are going through. As much as you want to be, your almost teach better from that position.
However, as much as I planned to stop this post here, I realized that I needed to tie this post back in with its title. The Cost. The cost of following Christ. I know that sometimes there will be times when we are broken, sad and confused all at the same time, or even in the midst of a good part in our life. This is to be expected. He warned us.Did we know what we were getting into at the time? Probably not. Did we ever (and will we ever) regret it? Heck no. I know that God is SO good, it's worth it. Anything is worth it. But now I'm starting to understand that the guarantee of feeling uncomfortable while serving Him means a lot more than just being in socially awkward situations. It's letting yourself be broken by God so He can use you, and mold you into who you are supposed to be. This is an incredibly uncomfortable process, but when He designs you, you are better equipped to serve in the life He wants you to lead.