The Right Foot

Guys, I've thought of so many different ways to start this post. From my last few posts, I know that you all may be confused. (heck, I'm confused!) but now I have some explaining to do. You see, I fell into a trap. What was that trap? Me. Me and my selfish desires. If you haven't noticed already, my second semester of my freshman year of college didn't start out on the right foot. At all. Actually, these past two weeks have been kinda rough. Really rough actually. And I just now have figured out why. Seriously, I haven't been able to put words to it until now. It all started because I came in with so many expectations in place for this semester. Expectations that the only thing different would be my schedule and maybe me being involved in a few more things.

Boy, was I wrong.

I was wrong about everything (not like that's anything new).

Oh, yes. Everything.

Me. Them. It. My schedule. My role. My major. My part to play.
All of it.

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

And the biggest problem? I stopped seeking my Lord and my God because after break I thought things would just resume--good habits picking up where they left off. I didn't mean to stop seeking Him, it just kinda happened. That's the dangerous part--it just happening. In reality, I guess I should have seen it coming earlier...I felt the signs and symptoms. Tiredness, extreme lack of focus, stress and a bunch of unnecessary negative emotions and frustration. This is what happens when you narrow your vision to only you. I somehow forgot about the only reason I even get to live--my Jesus.
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
But these past few weeks I've finally figured out what the problem was--

I stopped seeking, and expected receiving.

This is explained by something simple such as place--when your place changes, your habits change--your routine, all that keeps you grounded. When you aren't prepared for this change and don't anticipate it--it breaks. Breaks all that you worked to build.

So many questions ran through my mind when I realized what I had done, or rather, not done:

Why was I still searching like my God is not enough?

What else in the world can I run to?

How did I forget my passion?

What have I become?

How did I end up here?

Am I really so easily tricked?

Does this count as failure and sin?

In my heart, in my soul I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the
inside out

I feel like the bigger question I ask myself now is

How do you forget grace?
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
From the inside out,  Lord my soul cries out
From all this pain and hardship I take the knowledge that my journey of faith and seeking God has NOTHING to do with my circumstances, and I strive to have a passion that reflects that as well as rejoices in the worst possible happenings because God's goodness will be shown indisputably.
This love that's growing inside me just keeps getting bigger...now I act.
 Come,” my heart says, “seek his face!”
    Your face, Lord, do I seek.
Psalm 27:8 
"For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace."
Romans 6:14
"When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart..."
Jeremiah 29:13

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