So, as these new pictures allow you to see what I've been up to, I do have to write about what went through my head surrounding all of those captured moments. First of all, lets say playing a prank on the intern by saying "No, this youth is not in the car, isn't she in yours?" was NOT the best idea. At all. If I didn't like the people that played the prank on me so much, I would still not be talking to them. It is something to say that it really tests the relationship, and once it's through the "fire" (aka OHNO OHMIGOSH IVE LEFT HER AND GOT TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO GET HER--and will probably get fired in the process!!!! Then, a received text: "Of course she's in our car", so me: *glares at people suspiciously thinking that everyone is now lying to her* and begins to mutter under her breath and doesn't talk to these people unless she has to for the rest of the day) you can see how good of a relationship you [we] actually have.
Anyway, after we get past these little things that stress me out before we even get to the campsite, where my learning begins is with the fact that as the CCC intern, I was heading a lot of this trip, planning and organizing people and things. This position that I'm in continues to teach me that ministry can take on many different shapes and forms and looks so different--on purpose. I mean, if all ministry was that same, we'd only reach the same people instead of all the different ones, the ones where we need others to help us connect with. Plus, we wouldn't be using all of our different gifts to serve the church and moving like the many dissimilar parts of the body.
Being in this position makes me think about my future in ministry--because that's where I'm headed--and honestly, I've been worrying a lot about it lately. Not in the fact that I may be held to different standards or anything, but rather if I can do it or not. Am I "good enough" to be here in this position? How come it's not that easy to me? Am I meant to work with youth? What if I can't speak like that? What if I can't handle this? It's in times like these that I have to remind myself that ministry has NOTHING to DO with ME other than how I SURRENDER myself and my soul to my First Love. Your glory God is what our hearts long for, to be overcome by your presence...but still the voice is still in my head: you won't be able to do this. And yet, maybe it's truth--just not in the way you would think. "Doing this" may included "its gotta be more like falling in love than something to believe in" or "more like loosing my heart than giving my allegiance". Not really the fact that it "depends on me".
...it was love that made me a believer....it was falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me...
Worries aside, something else to address is the fact that I've changed lately. This was going to be a whole other post, but this weekend spending time with my kiddos as I call them, really cemented what I've noticed. The way I speak, the way I write. It's just different. I think it's just more of me. Me, becoming myself. This will continue to change as I grown into/become myself more. This has been the theme of what God has been teaching me through my quiet times lately--how to find security that doesn't fade away (just f.y.i. that's in Him). That isn't dependent on your circumstances or physical appearance. Try to combat these lies with biblical verses, passages and prayer (Lamentations 3:22, 1 Corinthians 3:7, Psalms 62:5-6 ).
There are still many things in my not-so-far-away future that will probably come crashing down on me in the form of stress and swirling confusion that will threaten my developing, experimental depositing of myself in someone else [who I know will never fail, it's just me having to let go]. But me-reduction is something that I have learned to rejoice in because of the outcome. I was reminded of this by the passage in Jeremiah 18:1-6.
"The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: “Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will let you hear my words.” So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.
Then the word of the Lord came to me: “
O house of Israel [Rachel], can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the Lord. Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel [Rachel]."
I am the clay, and oh, how I love being molded! It hurts and it chips and it stretches, but the bruises along the way are nothing compared to a transformed heart.
Your hands are ready to transform
Yet I am still caught up in this swelling storm
When will I listen
When will I hear
When will I see
To stop this violent fear
You begin to whisper
You began to speak
When my attention is yours
When my heart is at peace
When I finally desire more
You capture my heart
You tell me that those hands of yours
have already transformed
Hope you all enjoy all of these pictures.