Change

Change.

It hurts. But its coming. My friend and I had a conversation about this before she left. We knew that something big was coming in these next few months, and when the next time we saw each other, everything, inculding us, would be totally different.

And sometimes you don't even know what to say. You have to look to God to discern what in the world you are supposed to be learning and taking to heart, because in this day and age its too easy for voices to fade in with all of the rest.

Don't let the world pass you by or mix you up or confuse you. Just stop and listen. Don't you see? God wants ALL of you. Not just five minutes of sitting there trying to focus on praying an empty, unheartfelt prayer. He won't relent until He has all of you (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vthhuSxetac. ) and if He has to break you until He gets the real you, He will, all because He loves you (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWL-Fa8Q-oU).

Just don't hide. Trust. Believe in your best friend--Him. Because we all know what happens when you don't follow where He wants you to go. It doesn't work.                                     

                                                                                                Surprise, surprise. 

My Friend Kendra

Wow, there's a lot I could talk about in this post....but I'll start off with the fact that my friend Kendra is one of the few people in my life that I have met that is a kindred spirit. She's actually the reason I started this blog. All I really wanted to do was be able to comment on her blog, and the only way I found out how to do that is by making a blog. So here I am, typing away. Not only do I want everyone to know that Kendra is an awesome friend, I'm so thankful for her and I miss her SO much, I just wanted to connect everyone to her blog so you can hear about her exciting journey. God really has been apart of...well, us being apart. I miss her, but knowing that she's where she's supposed to be eases the feeling of distance. I'm just SO proud that she's going wherever God tells her to go! This love she has for Him is the most beautiful part of her.

Check out her journey in Abeche, Chad in Africa:

http://www.ismikendra.org/


(*Rumor has it she's coming back in December....;)* )

 

 

 

 

The reason there are no pictures of me and Kendra together on here is because not only are there not a lot in existence for some reason (why? I dunno.) but because we are usually doing something stupid and the pictures aren't that flattering. In fact, they're slightly scary....she'll tell you that that's the truth.... :)

 

 

 

Weakness

I see it, I feel it and I swear it gets bigger everyday. No joke. Maybe it was always there, and I just am just now seeing how big it is. I know I feel it. It's that feeling that you feel when you know you fall so far short that some really small things look impossible. You wonder, "I've overcome this before, but why does it come back so big--just as strong as before? How come I can't even really explain what it is?"

What it comes down to is trust. The full-fledged, heart-longing, shaky scary, unbridled leap of faith kinda trust. That's what's missing. Sometimes I'm looking at a situation and really just have to directly ask myself: Do I trust God? Unfortunately a resounding "YES!" is not always my answer. Often though this question has given me the chance to say yes, to take a deep breath and just say, "Yes, okay I do. Catch me if I fall God. I know you're there." Hard thing to say sometimes. You have that fear (which by the way, comes in many shapes and sizes) in the back of your head. Instead of whispering it chants. And gets louder and louder until the Lord say "ENOUGH! Look at me and believe! I am right here child, why have you been looking elsewhere?" What a precious thing to have the Lord of All to say that to us. Then why do we doubt? We've seen the results of trusting and not trusting. Surely by now we see that perfect love banishes fear. It casts it out. Far, far away.

"Because your steadfast love is better than life my lips will praise you."
Psalm 63:3

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because he first loved us."
1 John 4:18-19

"Again Jesus spoke to them saying, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life."
John 8:12

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angles nor demons, neither the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is found in Jesus Christ our Lord."
Romans 8:38
 
I encourage you all to come face to face with your weakness, try to put words to your shortcomings and fears. Then combat them with this knowledge:

"...but he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness.' So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:8-10

And remember,

There is power in the name of Jesus
To break every chain, break every chain, break every chain
To break every chain, break every chain, break every chain

You Might Be a College Student If...

This is a list that has been a long time in the making, and has been tested and tried through experience (not all mine, some I've just been apart of). Hope you enjoy, and maybe a few of you can relate.


You might be a college student if....you narrowly miss being run over by a biker, skate boarder and car simultaneously.

You might be a college student if....instead of washing your dishes  you put them in the fridge. You'll get to them latter.

You might be a college student if....you use your microwave as your clock.

You might be a college student if....your version of looking nice is a t-shirt that's not wrinkly, and a clean pair of shorts.

You might be a college student if....you are doing your laundry and have to run up four flights of stairs because you forgot your dryer sheet. Or your detergent.

You might be a college student if....making pancakes fogs up the kitchen and hallway with smoke...

You might be a college student if....your homework for New Testament involved reading all of Matthew in two days.

You might be a college student if....your plant science teacher hands you some beans you don't recognize and says "Congratulations, you're a terrorist".

You might be a college student if....your smoke detector in your room goes off randomly.

You might be a college student if....you lock your keys in your room and have to wait for your roommate.

You might be a college student if....after awhile, four flights of stairs really aren't that bad....

You might be a college student if....your pillow case gets wet when it rains. I guess the windows leak.

You might be a college student if....you sit on your bed and talk about stalkers with other girls from your hall.

You might be a college student if....you reach over your bed for something and fall off because its SO freak'n tall.

You might be a college student if....you answer your phone while talking on Skype and talking to your friend while studying.

You might be a college student if....you Skype all the time.

You might be a college student if....you never know what's going on.

You might be a college student if....parking is an adventure.

You might be a college student if....spontaneity is your new lifestyle.

You might be a college student if....you have homework.

You might be a college student if....you have to haul your groceries up 4+ flights of stairs.

You might be a college student if....you have to provide your own breakfast on Sundays.

You might be a college student if....you forget a knife, so you just tear off a part of your bagel and that's how you spread whatever you put on it.

You might be a college student if....you put cheerios in your microwaveable soup because you don't have crackers.

You might be a college student if....you are learning how to carry your stack of dishes to the kitchen, wash them, dry them, then load them up and try to open the doors again.

You might be a college student if....you almost get run over by a golf cart thing that's being driven on the sidewalk.

You might be a college student if...you need an extension cord if you wanna do your homework in the hallway.

You might be a college student if...you eat subway in the hallway of your dorm with your friends.

You might be a college student if...you sit in the hallway on your laptop with your buddies and look on pinterest!!!!

You might be a college student if...you sleep a lot. And occasionally forget to shower. Sorry.

#lifeexperiences

The Cost

The BCM recently hosted a speaker, Afsin Ziafat, who was to come and speak about his story of faith. (Here’s a link to his website, I encourage you to check it out: http://www.afshinziafat.com/ and move your mouse sideways when your on his site, its a pretty cool layout) As people in the BCM, this was our opportunity to reach out to the campus and have a bunch of people come.

So tonight at the Cost I was reminded of our FFG (freshman family groups) study on making disciples (aka Multiply, Francis Chan’s new book which is available in pdf form for free @ http://multiplymovement.com/ ). The chapter we are on this week was about the fact that making disciples cannot be truly done without love. Love is something I know, but I have recently looked at it in a different way. From standing back. Not putting in my full self, or at least my heart, into things. I feel cut off from feeling its full potential.  It's the feeling of a stopped-up drain. Not all the way clogged, but not working as well as it should (I don't feel unloved or don’t feel/see love from God, that's not it. I need to be able to receive it like I used to). It's easy to love those already close to you, but with some things I just feel myself hesitating, deciding if I should jump in or not.

Guys, I’m starting to see how the roommate stuff really affected me more than I thought. Not everything goes away just because you are out of a certain situation. I still feel a bit beaten and bruised, and it hurts still. I don’t know exactly how she got under my skin so much, but it hurts. I feel like my trust is damaged. I know it is, because even on top of my wariness about all these new experiences, something just keeps telling me to hang back. “Don’t jump in all the way, you might get hurt. Remember the last time?” This stops me from taking the leap of faith that before, I may have had the strength to take. It’s made me more confused about getting more involved and what I’m supposed to do with people.

 And it’s not just hurt in the lacking trust department, its inviting people to something that will help them grow/start their walk with God, and them not coming for whatever reason. My heart just hurts for them—I want them to know my Savior as intimately as I do. I want them to feel excited and have none of the complacency that is so dangerous to us. I want them to have God as their priority. Is that so wrong? I guess it can be if I go about it the wrong way.

Well, when you feel this disconnection with love, it’s a harder spot to be in. Especially when the voice inside your head tells you that if you do this, you might get hurt. Again, it's the feeling of a stopped-up drain. Not all the way clogged, but not working as well as it should. I’m tired of it. #abitfrustrated, right? Will I stop loving just because I don't feel like it? No. I’m called to love. Love God, love people and love community. But sometimes I just want to feel together or healed before I go on. This is the honest truth. I know many good and bright things full of life come out of the darkness. Trust me, I already have seen many such things, thank the Lord (then why do I still doubt?). I also am learning that to teach and disciple you don't have to be done with whatever you are going through. As much as you want to be, your almost teach better from that position.

However, as much as I planned to stop this post here, I realized that I needed to tie this post back in with its title. The Cost. The cost of following Christ. I know that sometimes there will be times when we are broken, sad and confused all at the same time, or even in the midst of a good part in our life. This is to be expected. He warned us.

Did we know what we were getting into at the time? Probably not. Did we ever (and will we ever) regret it? Heck no. I know that God is SO good, it's worth it. Anything is worth it. But now I'm starting to understand that the guarantee of feeling uncomfortable while serving Him means a lot more than just being in socially awkward situations. It's letting yourself be broken by God so He can use you, and mold you into who you are supposed to be. This is an incredibly uncomfortable process, but when He designs you, you are better equipped to serve in the life He wants you to lead.

The Next Step

The Next Step:
How He's Call Me To More

Sometimes there are moments in the day that just take my breath away
Something hits close to my heart and I suddenly can't breath

It's a song, a picture, a person
I have to stop and remind myself that I'm okay
The things I'm reminded of I miss
But I know the true things will never leave me
The reason it hurts my heart so
is because I'm very thankful

You see, lately God has been working in my life to grow me, which He has. However, He's not done. Its not enough that I pray more, or read the Bible more, or anything. He wants me to take the next step. Closer to Him.  He's bringing me back, pulling me forward. For example, I recently adopted the rule "No Bible, no breakfast". But that's not enough. He wants me to sit down, breath, and focus on Him. Every. Single. Morning.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that yes, it does include continuing to be honest with my readers, and posting stuff like this. A year ago, I would have never even dream about letting everyone read all this stuff. Now I realized though, that this blog is not about me, but it's a tool I use to glorify God. So that means watch out! Some pretty epic stuff comes into play when God's around. :)

Overall, He wants me to live a life that to others seems radical, when in truth it's only the beginning.

The Master Gardener

So the other I came outside to finally prune my Bonsai tree. Since Bonsai trees are for ornamental beauty, owners usually prune them then wrap them with wire to control the growth of the tree.

I was sitting there cutting some branches and leaves (petioles and petiolules if you want to get particular) and it was proving to be a bit more tedious than I thought. The leaves where wild and sharp, going everywhere. I was cutting the dead parts off, and trimming the parts that wouldn’t get as much sunlight. As I was pruning, I realized how intentional I was being. I was shaping it. I cut off the ugly parts, the dead parts, and the sections that just weren’t going to grow.

 I know we’ve heard this analogy before, but God as the master gardener is the one who prunes us. He cuts off what we don’t need, and allows the parts we do to get more sunlight. But the thing is, He’s so intentional about it all, because God's all about molding us into who He wants us to be. The strong and gentle hands He trims us with hold us so carefully, delicately. If dropped, we shatter. Aren’t we that fragile? Without our rock or our vine, who are we? Sure sometimes it hurts. It hurts a lot. We can’t even see the finished results until we step back and look at the bigger picture.

 
Here's a video that articulates what I'm trying to say in a very powerful way...be prepared to apply it to your own life. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhfUzodLRvk

 

Before
 

 

After

...I'm not sure I like the results, I might should have gone against the grain and left it alone. But no fear, it'll grow back.